I will never forget those two pink lines staring back at me
from the bathroom counter. I didn’t know whether to scream or cry. I simply
stood there, mouth wide open, blinking a few times to ensure I wasn’t dreaming.
This couldn’t be my life, this wasn’t possible, the doctors, the nurses, the dietitians,
the odds. Well let me tell you this: I beat the odds! There is no way to
explain it other than God’s grace and mercy. Something I had dreamt of since childhood,
but thought I would never experience. I was going to be a mother.
Let’s rewind a bit. At the age of 17 I began struggling with
eating disorders. My late teens and early twenties were spent battling
disordered eating practices and exercise addiction. I maintained a much too low
body fat percentage, consumed too few calories, and worked out well beyond what
I should have.
When too high of an energy deficit exists (caloric intake
relative to expenditure) your body begins to “shut down” processes that are not
necessary to sustain life. In females, this list includes the menstrual cycle.
You can barely keep yourself alive and your body could in no way support a
child. The loss of one’s menstrual cycle (in females who had regular periods
early in life) is called amenorrhea. I was amenorrheic for 10 years. Yes, I did
not have a period for ten years!
The medical community was convinced I would never conceive,
at least not naturally, and likely not at all. Some advised I freeze my eggs at
the young age of 17. I was much more concerned about when the next school dance
was than if I would one day have children. I quickly declined. I have forever
since wondered if I would regret that decision.
My battles with eating and exercise disorders consumed much
of my 20s. I would recover, then rebound, have a few successful months,
followed by a few hard ones. I was in an abusive relationship which was
preventing me from fully recovering. It kept me from caring for myself and my
body, for understanding that I was “worth it”, that I deserved to be healthy
and to pursue my dreams.
Thank goodness I saw the light.
A few months after ending this toxic relationship my “knight
in shining armor” came along. It just so happens he was in the gym, training
legs and wearing converse when I met him. Fitting right? A little over a year later
Nicholas proposed, underwater in Hawaii. The best day of my life -- until this.
Last fall we set a wedding date of July 22nd,
2017.
As much as I could write about our love story I will save
that for another day. This is about our miracle on the way.
While I prayed and prayed that we may one day have a child,
I had resorted to the fact that Nicholas and I may not be able to conceive
naturally. We both wanted children, our discussions were always prefaced with
“when we have kids…”. Secretly I would cry inside. Would this be in God’s cards
for us?
Back to that day in early February. As we are in a whirlwind
of wedding planning, getting our save-the- dates out, arranging our caterer,
asking our bridal party, this bombshell. We were pregnant.
Of course there was the excitement, the uncertainty, the
“I’m not ready”. There were the (likely hormonal) tears of “I can’t be a
pregnant bride”, the fear of disappointing my (conservative and rather
traditional) family, and the vain thought of not being “beautiful” on my
wedding day.
Those quickly subsided. This child was more important than
any of that, it was bigger than either of us, and meant so much more than our
wedding day ever could.
After all it was a miracle. I never thought I would be with
child, nor did I think I would be able to give Nicholas a child that was ours
(this thought in itself was crushing). Any fear, any thoughts of not being a
“fit” bride or concern about the wedding were soon gone. The idea of becoming a
mother far surpassed any of that.
“Move the wedding up”, “Do a small ceremony”, “Elope”. You
name it we have heard it. But you know what, we want nothing more than
celebrate our love with our family and friends. Our love, includes this unborn
child. This child in which we are already so in love, the one that has changed
all of our plans, for the better, the unplanned miracle that God knew we needed
before we knew.
Why tell my story? Why be open about something so personal?
My goal is to provide hope to those woman like me. Those
young ladies googling “Pregnancy after Eating Disorders” or “Conceiving with Amenorrhea”.
These searches always left me in tears. I remind you to keep your faith, keep
your hope, and never say “never”.
I wish now that I could write a letter to my younger self.
Not to prepare her for all the hardships she will endure, not to prevent her
from going down that road or to have her choose a different life path, but to
tell her to never give up, to fight like hell, to not believe everything the
medical community is telling her, and to never, ever stop praying.
