Our Miracle

I will never forget those two pink lines staring back at me from the bathroom counter. I didn’t know whether to scream or cry. I simply stood there, mouth wide open, blinking a few times to ensure I wasn’t dreaming. This couldn’t be my life, this wasn’t possible, the doctors, the nurses, the dietitians, the odds. Well let me tell you this: I beat the odds! There is no way to explain it other than God’s grace and mercy. Something I had dreamt of since childhood, but thought I would never experience. I was going to be a mother.

Let’s rewind a bit. At the age of 17 I began struggling with eating disorders. My late teens and early twenties were spent battling disordered eating practices and exercise addiction. I maintained a much too low body fat percentage, consumed too few calories, and worked out well beyond what I should have.

When too high of an energy deficit exists (caloric intake relative to expenditure) your body begins to “shut down” processes that are not necessary to sustain life. In females, this list includes the menstrual cycle. You can barely keep yourself alive and your body could in no way support a child. The loss of one’s menstrual cycle (in females who had regular periods early in life) is called amenorrhea. I was amenorrheic for 10 years. Yes, I did not have a period for ten years!

The medical community was convinced I would never conceive, at least not naturally, and likely not at all. Some advised I freeze my eggs at the young age of 17. I was much more concerned about when the next school dance was than if I would one day have children. I quickly declined. I have forever since wondered if I would regret that decision.

My battles with eating and exercise disorders consumed much of my 20s. I would recover, then rebound, have a few successful months, followed by a few hard ones. I was in an abusive relationship which was preventing me from fully recovering. It kept me from caring for myself and my body, for understanding that I was “worth it”, that I deserved to be healthy and to pursue my dreams.

Thank goodness I saw the light.

A few months after ending this toxic relationship my “knight in shining armor” came along. It just so happens he was in the gym, training legs and wearing converse when I met him. Fitting right? A little over a year later Nicholas proposed, underwater in Hawaii. The best day of my life -- until this.

Last fall we set a wedding date of July 22^nd, 2017.

As much as I could write about our love story I will save that for another day. This is about our miracle on the way.

While I prayed and prayed that we may one day have a child, I had resorted to the fact that Nicholas and I may not be able to conceive naturally. We both wanted children, our discussions were always prefaced with “when we have kids…”. Secretly I would cry inside. Would this be in God’s cards for us?

Back to that day in early February. As we are in a whirlwind of wedding planning, getting our save-the- dates out, arranging our caterer, asking our bridal party, this bombshell. We were pregnant.

Of course there was the excitement, the uncertainty, the “I’m not ready”. There were the (likely hormonal) tears of “I can’t be a pregnant bride”, the fear of disappointing my (conservative and rather traditional) family, and the vain thought of not being “beautiful” on my wedding day.

Those quickly subsided. This child was more important than any of that, it was bigger than either of us, and meant so much more than our wedding day ever could.

After all it was a miracle. I never thought I would be with child, nor did I think I would be able to give Nicholas a child that was ours (this thought in itself was crushing). Any fear, any thoughts of not being a “fit” bride or concern about the wedding were soon gone. The idea of becoming a mother far surpassed any of that.

“Move the wedding up”, “Do a small ceremony”, “Elope”. You name it we have heard it. But you know what, we want nothing more than celebrate our love with our family and friends. Our love, includes this unborn child. This child in which we are already so in love, the one that has changed all of our plans, for the better, the unplanned miracle that God knew we needed before we knew.

Why tell my story? Why be open about something so personal?

My goal is to provide hope to those woman like me. Those young ladies googling “Pregnancy after Eating Disorders” or “Conceiving with Amenorrhea”. These searches always left me in tears. I remind you to keep your faith, keep your hope, and never say “never”.

I wish now that I could write a letter to my younger self. Not to prepare her for all the hardships she will endure, not to prevent her from going down that road or to have her choose a different life path, but to tell her to never give up, to fight like hell, to not believe everything the medical community is telling her, and to never, ever stop praying.

We are now almost 15 weeks pregnant. In October of this year we will welcome our first child. We are elated, we feel beyond blessed, and we cannot wait to begin this next chapter in our lives.